(painfully shy)'s topics - tribe.net

New Shy One

Halcyon — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:01:14 GMT

Hey all,

Ever been called any of the following:
- aloof
- too quiet
- standoff-ish
- antisocial
- intimidating

...and you just want to yell "I'M JUST SHY!"?

Yeah, you and me both.

I am new here and I'm just tired of being called all of those things because I tend to be quiet and shy around new people (and even, sometimes, around people I've known a long time). I know how loud I can be...but I know that I tend to be quiet too. I just wish more people would take time to "break the barrier" and get to know me.

*sigh*
-H

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

a good experience with phone counseling

ipcz — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:16:28 GMT

I wanted to start therapy, but I liked the idea of doing it over the phone or internet instead of coming into an office. After doing some research I found this site www.coherencecounseling.com

The guy is very affirming. The 'coherence' refers to the fact that people are not broken or irrational, but that they always make sense at some level and the trick is to find that sense. If you're looking for something like this, I recommend the site.

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Any advice for social situations?

TouchRosesAhna — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:51:54 GMT

In a crowd I do fine, but get me in a room with maybe 10 people and forget it. Any idea's for dealing with social phobia?

posted in (painfully shy) - 14 replies

hello out there

bridget — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:16:03 GMT

I just kind of need to have contact with someone, even if it is just a post on tribe. HELLO OUT THERE!!!!
My boyfriend's out of town and summer school just ended, so I'm suddenly much more isolated than usual. I'm so shy it's hard to find new people to talk to all at once like this. I'm sure someone must relate to this kind of situation.
As far as I can tell, overcoming shyness for me is just a matter of plunging in even when it's scary. Usually it helps me to just do it... to just dial the number and then deal with the voice on the other end when it happens. Sometimes it helps to figure out what it is that I am afraid will happen, because once I can identify what I'm afraid of I realize that it's really not so scary. I have always been shy and I think I always will be. It's the "painful" part that I can change. It doesn't have to be an obstacle, it can just be a characteristic...
At the moment I don't really want to do things that are scary. Even if I'm getting tremendously bored in this house. I guess I am not excited at the moment by the potential my life has. I don't have a good incentive to overcome my shyness other than to get out of the house. When I started dancing, dancing excited me. The people I met were exciting. there was a lot of incentive to pick up the phone, or to start a conversation. I do believe that everyone has something to offer the world. People are fascinating and I love getting to know them, but maybe not enough at the moment. if only it weren't so hard...

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

Wow, a social situation in which I didn't choke up

DrSoda — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:17:02 GMT

About a week ago, I took the initiative for the first time to attend a monthly meetup group based on the tools I use for my job (and also for fun). I don't think I've been so talkative in a social situation ever. I really couldn't shut up. It was so strange! I didn't even really have a specific reason to be there, as I'm not seeking a new job and I am not an employer. I just wanted to meet some potential colleagues/competitors and see what's up.

Man... anyone else have an experience like this?

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

HI All..........Wow....I didnt know there was a tribe for this topic...

Davi — Fri, 16 May 2008 10:31:52 GMT

Im Davi...and Im a shy person. XD very introverted,I shall say.
Uhm...where to start... I've always been a shy ,reclusive person. I have problems speaking up and talking to people....I think that its a dreadful chore to even consider going up to a person and striking up a conversation. Like at a cafe or bar or whatever.
I'm naturally a quiet person. I have always had self esteem issues also;buuuut,thats another topic. XD Its related though.

I have real problems with crowds and a place with many people....hence,its so hard for me to go dating or whatever.
That sort of situation makes me very nervous. Im not too bad with a few people.

Also,...strangers make me nervous.

I've been able to be better about meeting people in the last year or two,and Im not sure why. Its still a problem...just not a major breakdown situation. =0

Nice to be here..... If someone would like to chat about things,please feel free to msg me.. thanks.

posted in (painfully shy) - 6 replies

get me out of the house!

jenni — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:19:38 GMT

it's a beautiful day today.. sun is shining.. but i just can't go outside. :[ it's too busy and crowded and augh.. i want to make friends.. i want to go outside.. but i freeze up. i'm so sick of sitting around here.. wishing i could make friends..

sorry, i'm just really frustrated..

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

Do people think you are rude, aloof or angry?

squidcorp — Wed, 11 May 2005 04:06:22 GMT

Hey, I just joined. It's spooky how much I relate to all of these threads!

Almost every time my girlfriend and I are out with her friends I get this: I step away to get a drink or something, and as soon as I'm gone one of them will ask my girlfriend what's wrong. They always think I'm mad at them, which of course I'm not. It's a scream that I end up being the one who is unaproachable. Politeness and courtesy are actually personal values of mine (from the South and all), but I blow it every chance I get! (ha ha)

posted in (painfully shy) - 67 replies

Hey Everyone

poje — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:13:04 GMT

I'm Poje.......it's just down hill from there....It's always been tough for me to make new friends, keep a conversation going with people or to join into an already going conversation.

Good example is this last weekend i was at a psytrance party and spinning my staff on the dance floor and this girl comes up to me and starts talking....we talk for maybe 5 minutes before i run out of stuff to say and then there was us standing there not talking for another couple minutes (AWKWARD) before she walks away and nothign else is said between us...

Too bad life isn't the internet.

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

I Think "Shy" Was My Excuse

lloydg — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 09:53:19 GMT

Why are we shy?

First, there are a couple of things I would like to point out. Over the years, when I have complained to others that I am "painfully shy" they have said something about how they were shy once as well. That they "got over it" somehow. I never believed them. I disrespected their opinion by assuming they just did not understand the way that I am shy. I felt "They don't know what I'm going through."

The second thing is the word "pain" in the title of this tribe.

I am very recently coming out of a long (lifelong) pattern of constant self-pity and self-doubt. I was also a very negative person. The more I have focused my thinking on positive thinking and rejecting the temptation of the victim card, the more I have come out of my "shell". So tonight, it got me thinking. Am I truly shy? As in, do I actually have an affliction that most people do not have? Or was I just using "shyness" as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and stay protected in my negative little world? Well, my first answer to that is "Well maybe I am a little bit shy."

Well, hey, isn't everyone? The words of countless people over the years came back to me. I remembered being told they overcame it and learned how to be themselves and feel comfortable in the world we all share. And they must have done it similar to how I am doing it now. The more I accept and respect my world and the time I've been given here, the more self-assured I feel as a part of it. And this feeling is spilling over into social settings. It happens without me even having to think about it or make a struggled effort.

Maybe there ARE shy people. That have reasons behind it which are much deeper. Is it genetic? Upbringing?

I have come to the conclusion that I am no more shy than the average person. I was scared of the pain of truly living. I was guarding myself out of fear. I was selfish, to put it bluntly.

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

Hi, I'm new here...

TouchRosesAhna — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 19:46:47 GMT

There was a time that I was to afraid to post to a message board - not anymore!

Hi All!! :)

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

certain look

eddie7007 — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:13:18 GMT

Does anyone here think a shy person has a certain look?
I have recently met people who i thought were the furthest thing from being shy.
I think that i was actually judging them on looks. I don't know if it makes any sense but thats how i came to my conclusion.

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

shyness prob what can i do to improve myself?

marquis — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:31:05 GMT

hello, i just joined this tribe. i have been battling with shyness since i was a kid, but i used to be an outgoing person. when my family and i moved to AZ in 96, my outgoingness went downhill. i became too shy to the point where i would hide from ppl if someone wanted to chat with me, and i didnt make that many friends in school. i started college in 04 hoping to make new friends, but i have been to college for 3 yrs and still havent made any friends.

its still a battle for me, i only hang out with my fiance or sometimes my best friend from high school. i dont really talk to that many ppl from hs anymore. im severely depressed, ive been trying to work on my interpersonal communication skills. i started going to meetups in my area, but the ppl are 2 old for me to hang out with. i hate being alone, i feel like i am missing out in life like parties and clubs. i cry constantly (lately i havent) because of my severe issues i am having. its like no one isnt interested in getting to know me, it used to be ppl were always wanting to get to know me. im still trying to fix my life and i havent seen any changes in it yet. how can you tell if someone you meet is interested in you and wants to hang out, but they dont ask you if they want to chill with u? i want to go back to being an outgoing person, i hate celebrating my bdays with just my fiance and not any of my friends. i am going to join toastmasters.org to improve my interpersonal communication skills.

anybody have any suggestions or stories they would like to share?

posted in (painfully shy) - 23 replies

Hardly any friends

Lisa — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 23:01:38 GMT

I am really close with my family, especially my sisters. My sisters are my best friends. I have one best friend who lives out of state. I talk to her once a month. I basically I have no one else besides my family. It gets to me sometimes, especially when others are talking about their friends. I sometimes wish that I had more friends. But on the other hand, I like my alone time. I would not like to feel lke I have to go out every night. I enjoy just being by myself. I still get depressed though, wishing that my life were different. What do I do? I have always sucked at making friends. I am 26, and I feel like sometimes it is pointless to change now. I wish I could either accept myself the way that I am or change. I feel like I am constantly changing my mind on whether to change, or just accept myself. Can anyone else relate, or have any advice. I am too chicken to go into therapy. I feel like I already know what a therapist will tell me.

posted in (painfully shy) - 66 replies

i made some pretty pathetic google queries...

ray — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 19:41:54 GMT

...like "I AM VERY SHY AND AWKWARD" and "WHY CAN'T I TALK TO GIRLS", and it led me to this site. so, i'm going to be even MORE pathetic and complain about it to some internet people!

i've always had a problem with being shy and not confident, but many girls seem to be attracted to me because they find me mysterious, cute, and nice. even so, i've never had a girlfriend because i want to wait until the perfect girl comes along and makes me fall in love. i'm not very good at casual dating because i really have to feel like i want to be in a relationship. but, even when i think i've met the perfect girl, i become tongue-tied, i can't start a good conversation, i avoid looking her in the eye and resort to staring off into space, plus some other socially awkward problems...

i'm not any good at small talk, and i'm interested in a lot of bizarre, obscure things, so i often find that the things i would want to talk about would confuse or put off other people, so i usually sit in silence and make things even more uncomfortable. i simply just can't think of anything good to talk about, and i'm terrified of being negatively evaluated. whenever i'm the center of attention, i get nervous and wish people would just leave me alone.

when i tell other people about my painful shyness, some of them say "why are you shy? you're perfectly attractive and i'm sure plenty of girls would want to be with you", but this just isn't a very good reason. i don't value appearance very much, and many of the girls i'm attracted to are ones who aren't as popular and outgoing, but girls with a sweet, shy and humble disposition are far more attractive to me than any slutty, attention-crazed girl.

i would consider myself an introvert: i enjoy staying at home, alone, listening to music and watching movies, and going to parties just takes a lot out of me and makes me feel like i have to put on an act to impress other people. some people simply don't understand this about me. they expect me to be more talkative and more socially adept, but sometimes i am overcome with social anxiety, usually to the point i really can't help being a loner.

so that's my story, painfullyshy. sometimes, i am glad that i'm shy because it keeps me out of situations i would rather avoid, but it has also caused me to prioritize being alone so much that i'm too scared to make any type of intimate relationships. any advice?

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

same sex shyness

bridget — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 07:49:40 GMT

so I'm a heterosexual girl and i feel a lot more shy around girls than hot guys, gay guys, and maybe lesbians but I'm not sure. can anyone relate?

posted in (painfully shy) - 14 replies

Happy Giving Thanks

Spirit Wolf — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 05:20:07 GMT

I think a lot of shyness is due to not receiving enough nurturing from mother as a child. I used to be painfully shy years ago...now that I have discovered this simple exercise in self-nurturing, I feel way more comfortable. I think we feel shy also because we do not feel self empowered. Self empowerment comes in part from self nurturing. I hope this helps, please read on. It is my thanksgiving message to those who may need it. It sure helped me.

Happy Giving Thanks!

Something I wanted to share with everyone, especially in this season of food and feeding the soul and stomach, lol, with everyone needing to hear this.

Nurturing...I believe that much dysfunction exists because people do not know how to self-nurture. Most of us know that dysfunction is due to fear. But those who know how to self-nurture definitively fear-less.

People who were not touched or held enough as babies, especially babies who were not breast fed by their moms tend to lack the ability to nurture themselves as adults, to a large part.

That has been one of my biggest problems, not knowing how to nurture myself, until recently that is and yet it is so simple an exercise that everyone does it every time they go out for fast food like KFC for example, no wonder fast food is so popular!!! Just the act of eating it with our own hands self nurtures!

To me that is the self-nurturing key, finger food, rather, eating with our fingers, it would also resolve a lot of problems for those with eating disorders!!! Eat everything with your fingers, well perhaps not soup, lol, you might just feel better but now you will know why, at the least you just might remember why it is young ones suck their thumbs!

With joy and love, A very Happy Giving Thanks to you and yours.

Spirit Wolf

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

DiDiscrimination and Shyness (shaken not stirred)

evilponygirl — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 03:21:39 GMT

I wrote a letter to my neighbors today. my boyfriend doesn't want me to post it by the mailbox so I thought i would post it here since it does pertain. i am a very shy person but recent events made it almost impossible for me. I am finally finding my way again but I the shyness was part of this whole issue. thank you for the opportunity to vent. your support is very appreciated.

Hi,
Your neighbors, your friends, maybe even you are harassing my boyfriend and me. Why? I can only guess but most of all they don’t have all the information. So how do you organize people to use Ku Klux Klan tactics on people they don’t even know? Do you lie and make up stories that fit the circumstances but not the facts? Do you make a game of it? Do you enjoy the hate? I can only guess.
We are peaceful people who moved here and endured several tragedies all at once. In fact four years ago I thought I was going to be alone in this unit (1203 D) My guy was VERY sick, we were almost evicted several times, since he and I couldn’t work. I am very happy and relieved to have him with me today but life is difficult for us. Thank God he can work from home. Me? Well, my list is longer. Within a month of moving in here my father died on Xmas day, which was devastating to me. I had just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes that morphed into type 1 recently so now I have to shoot insulin. It all worked out since I had to recover from anorexia at the time anyway. Loosing the sugar from my diet was easy since I developed an allergy to chocolate. Now I have glaucoma and seeing past my fence is difficult. In fact it has made me a homebody since I can’t drive myself and riding the bus is hard not being able to see. (Miss my stop etc) it’s very weird being me since I look fine from the outside. Right before we moved here I was attacked in a bar. The attacker (a white male 6’ 5” blah blah blah) ended up raping and killing the other girl. I ended up being the primary witness. They never caught him but I did run into him in a bar once.
Soon after moving in some of the neighborhood boys keyed on my need for solitude and started lobbing water balloons over our fence. One even broke our hummingbird feeder. The others just broke me. For some reason we didn’t feel like making friends in the neighborhood after that. Even now all we can do is come home. They made a self-fulfilling prophecy. When the ones who are persecuting us tell people what they are doing it is easy to ad another to the hate since we don’t get the chance to tell our side of things. We have been here six years so I can’t even imagine the stories they tell. Now I do admit our part in things. We weren’t the happiest people during our crunch time. It would be nice if we were allowed to recover but hate is easy. Hate unites people just like in the Salem witch trials and the McCarthy hearings. So the worst of me is singing sappy music. It was my only way to happiness at the time. It may have been too loud for our neighbors. If they had asked I would have stopped. Also I am transgender so in some eyes I deserve to be hated and loathed.
Conclusion: since everyone has voted us off the island we are going to move. It is only a matter of when our lease is up. We don’t need anyone’s sympathy, I just wanted to tell our side of the story and maybe next time they won’t choose hate so easily. Doing the right thing is hard. Hate is always the easy way out. So we can only forgive them for misunderstanding and move on. At least we united a community.
Thank You
Tori

posted in (painfully shy) - 10 replies

Just shy around girls that I'm attracted to...

Radical Dreamer — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 23:46:42 GMT

Why? When I know people that I'm comfortable with, I'm really like the talkative 'life of the party' type guy (friends have told me this). But i've always had issues of being self-conscious with my body, so i'm really fearfull around girls that i'm physically attracted to. I just above all else am not myself...so no matter what, I come off as an idiot with girls that I like!

the weirdest thing is that girls that i'm not physically attracted to completely fall in love with me, without me doing a thing. The more I try to avoid them, the more they want me... I just don't understand. I just want to be able to convey to the girls that I do like that I like them! Not just awkwardly sit there and think of things to say (this is my shyness).

when i'm with my friends I can say whatever the hell comes to my head and it's really cool because people are really attracted to my personality. But if there's a girl that I want to be with, they don't get to see that side of me, and I want them to so bad!

any advice?

posted in (painfully shy) - 2 replies

A bit of an uncomfortable question...

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 00:52:55 GMT

We're all shy here. Ok, *painfully* shy. And (dare I say it) sex is a matter of being.... well, not shy. The opposite of shy. Short of being the *blushing* bride/groom, how do you guys deal with this aspect? Or am I the only one that struggles with it? :-/

~autumn

posted in (painfully shy) - 8 replies

Not a shy person but this tribe appealed to me and called me in

sacredgoddess — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 07:20:47 GMT

Dont know why but it did. Im not a shy person, I will be the first to admit it, and now that I am older and into my crone years, its really starting to show that I am that "crazy old aunt" everyone has.

I am a bellydancer, and have worked PR and teach (yes speak in front of people) for my job, which is civil service.

I guess the message I have is there are different types of shyness, not the Im afraid to show my face, kind of shyness, but being shy around the people you love, being shy to step up against the bullies in life, being shy to talk to people you are close to, even being shy around your spouse when it comes to being intimate... etc etc..I guess I fall into all of them at some point..

Shyness to me is a protection device, yes, if it means it will protect my ego, keep it from being bruised, or keep me out of the light and keep shit from sticking, I can be convieniently shy. This is normal.
What tools can I suggest? Well I have a mother is an undiagnosed socio phobic person, and I learned what not to do by observing her my entire life....here is what I have learned...

If you are shy, you will miss out on the most wonderful adventures. Yes, life sucks and you will sometimes be the fly and not the windshield, but boy what a wondeful ride to be the windshield sometimes!!!
Ask yourself, do you want to be in your death bed and say "I wish I had...blah blah blahed"
When I was young I must have seen some movie where some old broad did...
Find a hero that you can look at and emulate...(yes, even you adults). When I was young, it was George Plimpton..that dude did it all..and damn it, I was going to do it all....
Do not follow the lead of other shy people...kind of like, dont follow people off a cliff...
follow the people you respect and admire.
Will you fail sometimes? HELL YES!
Will your good moments be good? HELL YES< EXCEPT THEY WILL BE GREAT.

anyway..thats all I kind type at this late time. I think this tribe is pretty cool.
I hope my experiences and posts help someone even just a little....

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

Dealing with bullies...

sturmeyarcher — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 17:49:45 GMT

I'm always amazed at some people's zen-like compassion when dealing with bullies - tho, I mostly encounter this kind of deft compassion and self-assurance on the net, as opposed to in real life.

Although, I'm not sure if their example is an inspiration or a vexation; I think part of what upsets me in my encounters with bullies is that I have let it get to me and upset me, and lacked that kind of aplomb that others may have.

I can have compassion for bullies later, and sometimes they don't get to me, but when they do, it's just a big drag and it's hard to access that compassion, or whatever it is that will help me deal with the situation as it's unfolding.

I think part of the problem is that I don't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable to someone who's already pissing me off, so I don't stand up for myself as adamantly as I perhaps could.

But it's also confusing in that "is this a battle worth fighting?" kind of way; do I want to stop everything and hash it out over some little occurrance that has upset me at work, say? Or will that escalate the battle into a war - one that I'll have to work in every day.

posted in (painfully shy) - 31 replies

shyness positives

filigree00 — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 05:10:22 GMT

I know this has been brought up here before, but it can't hurt to think about these things once in a while. ;)

Someone I know mentioned fairly recently that shyness creates mystery around a person, which in turn causes many others to want to find out more about said mysterious albeit shy person. In other words, shyness can be attractive since much is implied (or not) and not stated outright. Have you found this to be true in your experience, as a shy person?

I find that, since I've become somewhat less shy (which I blame on Paxil), I've lost a bit of that reserve that I feel set me apart. It's still there in many social situations, but in day-to-day life it's not quite so much any longer and I must say I miss it, in a way.

posted in (painfully shy) - 11 replies

You are shy but enjoy the company of others?

cubalombian — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 19:56:59 GMT

I love to be around people in a relaxed setting. Not in a dinner party or with a group of people your friend invited you to tag along. But instead in a cafe, lounge, etc... I love the "people energy" Heck, even airports are a thrill to me. It is even to the point where I can't sculpt unless I am around others, I need the energy for inspiration.

Anyone feel the same?

posted in (painfully shy) - 18 replies

I'm even a little shy in introducing myself

α§h∟€¥™ — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 06:59:53 GMT

I have been in this tribe for several weeks now, maybe more than a month, I'm not sure....

I'm so shy I felt embarrassed introducing myself. What do I say? What are you going to think of me? That I'm just some crazy person who doesn't know what I'm talking about? So here I am, introducing myself, and making a complete fool of myself because I have absolutely nothing else to say.

posted in (painfully shy) - 8 replies

free and easy way to help homeless children

beckeyla — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 00:22:06 GMT

Please use www.railwaychildren-friends.com/email.asp as a search engine for your internet searches and you'll raise a massive 10p per search! please set it as your homepage for ease of use and start raising money today ;)

You can have a snoop on the charities efforts at www.railwaychildren.org.uk

They are mainly a preventative charity which in terms of being a street child can mean the difference between a world of pain and heartache and a life worth living. Railway children endeavour to meet runaway children before pimps, pushers or abusers do. They are even getting to help the kids in Siberia who are living in the sewers.

80% of their money goes straight to the projects, 17% fundraising, 3% admin etc, so they are a 'fair-enough-trade' charity.

10p a search is phenomenal and it means that the average amount spent per child -£44- will take 440 searches...its fairly usual for me to search 20 items per evening, so that means in 22 evenings that ground level support for a child is reached. www.railwaychildren-friends.com/email.asp

There is a snag with the search page which is that on entering a search it automatically redirects to a normal search page for the results. So inorder that you keep raising money for the charity you have to go back to the root page with the picture of the child and the green bits for each new search subject to raise another all important 10p.

Thanks very much for your efforts and please do enjoy your days. Also if there are any forums that you can forward this message or indeed your own personal email contacts please do send this on, more the better. ;) *

Has an email ever changed your life? Lets do that help for the ones who don't have internet access or in alot of cases protection or food

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Trouble Making Friends

Starbinder — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 18:52:12 GMT

Hi all,

I've read a lot of great topics on here and the responses are really good.

I don't have any friends where I live. I moved here in 2006 and it's been a struggle. I speak to people, and I'm friendly, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I only know people through my partner right now but I see them around 3 times a year. I know quite a few people online but the connections aren't strong anymore. I'll send them an email and it will take weeks for them to respond and there isn't much in their email. I want to ask them if anything is wrong or if they don't want to talk to me anymore but I don't know if it's worth it. They'll most likely say that nothing is wrong, that they're only busy. I don't buy that though. I know that everyone gets busy at times but you would make time if you really wanted too. They can't be busy 24/7.

I feel extremely alone and unwanted right now. I'm finding it harder and harder to want to put myself out there. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't going to come back online anymore. I thought I should just "hide away". I'm not really sure what I should do. I feel very very down right now and I kept talking myself out of making this post. I don't know what is posessing me to submit this. I feel like this is the last resort.

Lia

posted in (painfully shy) - 24 replies

Social ineptitude (new to tribe and blissfully ignorant)

Visceral Illiteratis — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 00:31:36 GMT

Yeah, you can say I've nearly mastered the skill of telephone avoidance. I'm a lousy telephone conversationalist, so I work really hard to avoid talking on the phone with friends, family, people, anyone. I have a difficult time speaking through the telephone, partly because if I feel that I say something silly, I'll hate myself for it. Now that I think of it, I guess I’m pretty good at social avoidance in general.

I’ve been shy for as long as I can remember. I was an awkward kid growing up, which made me an easy target. I didn’t want to talk to anyone in elementary school. The problem wasn't with what I had to say, it was just the actual act of speaking. I never spoke in class, I never asked for anything, I never reported getting bullied to anyone. And since I never spoke up, things worsened in middle and high school. Both boys and girls seemed to really enjoy tormenting me. As an outcast, I intentionally went out of my way to avoid as many classmates as possible. But, as luck would have it, there would be times that these avoided-classmates would go well out of their way to cause me anguish. During those years I thrived on being ignored and excluded.

Okay, so here we are today and I've become more comfortable asserting myself. Unfortunately, with the people I now speak with, my underdeveloped conversation skills become glaringly apparent. It's not that I can't have conversations with people, it's being able to socially converse with attraction. You know, like telling stories. Telling INTERESTING stories. And showing humor. And engaging people. Getting people to LIKE what I have to say. I don't do any of those very well.

I realize this is just a microcosm of why I'm so shy. I do have a small group of friends that I speak with and see on a semi-regular basis. Well, they're more like acquaintances, since they all do far more things with one another than I do with them. When I hang out with them I still feel awkward and I feel they pick up on it. I don’t feel that I can truly be myself around them. I’m only my true self around my wife. “Just be yourself and if they don’t like it, screw ‘em,” you say? Far easier said than done. That’s part of the problem; I’m too shy to just be myself around people. If I feel people don’t like me, I take it personally. Why go through that?

So here I am. And quite literally, all I have is my wife (and dogs) to hang out with. It really stinks, because my wife and I don’t share the same views on everything. I do deeply love her, but there are times when I want to hang out and share my thoughts with someone who knows where I’m coming from. I need a best friend – or a good friend – someone who I enjoy spending time with just as much as he/she enjoys spending time with me. I know relationships take time to develop, but danggit, I’m almost 30 I’ve never had a true best friend – not even close. I feel like the epitome of a wallflower.

Anyway, I stumbled across this website and found it quite therapeutic. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Everyone here appears to be quite friendly, which is comforting and allowing me to feel less anxious about posting this. Thanks for allowing me to take up so much space with this thread.

posted in (painfully shy) - 11 replies

Does anyone have any advice on making R.L. friends?

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 20:37:50 GMT

I can make them online well enough, but in person, I'm socially awkward, because it's not natural to me to form relationships.

Any tips? Commiseration I know you guys have, but any thoughts on actually managing it?

:-p

~autumn

posted in (painfully shy) - 27 replies

Hi

lynn1 — Tue, 08 May 2007 14:09:18 GMT

Hello, new here!

I can be fine in here, at work I have to be. But in real time. I suck. Dont even like being out in public much. It is a strain to talk and laugh with people I do not know. I tend to be quiet. I have no clue what to say, I blush easy and I am simply shy and socially inept I guess. LOL
In here, it has been a small chore, but I also knew some of the people I hang out with. It made it easier.

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

Crazy Idea but....

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 00:43:47 GMT

It would appear that a large portion of us desire some sort of company. Though company in outside a cyber world might be preferred, online would probably help us benefit, too.
There are so many of us shy/loners in this tribe, so why don't we just start getting to know eachother? Aren't there over 500 people? How many do you have on your friends list or talk to a regular basis?
It might be worth a shot...

posted in (painfully shy) - 25 replies

Introduction

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 02:05:12 GMT

How does a new member of (painfully shy ) go about getting to know people?
The problem is amusing in its irony.
I am new to Tribe in general, and new to this tribe, and I am so shy that even reaching out to anonymous people online brings me anxiety.
I haven't even made any friends on Tribe yet.

posted in (painfully shy) - 12 replies

interactive art project on my tribe page

bragitta — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 11:08:19 GMT

I am creating an interactive art project on my tribe page
to help break the ice of isolation
its an interactive art project
where I make an piece of art and then post a question
and the comments inspire the next piece of art and question

comments greatly inspire the projects direction
so please hop on over to my tribe page
and see if this art project will provide anything in your own healing

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

"I'm sorry, do I know you...?"

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 03:27:34 GMT

We've all heard it, if not exactly in those words.

When the people we talk to one day (and do quite well with) act oddly towards us the next time we talk to them, is it because:

1. we are slightly off in our social cues, and it freaks people out?

2. we misinterpret the gravity of the interaction and think it warrants a follow up (a bit of number 1 and contributing to number 1 if this is it)?

3. we overlook their attempt at having a second interaction, and therefore when a third comes up, they feel oddly towards us?

OK, I'm sounding a little paranoid now, but are you guys following me? Thoughts?

Greatly appreciated,

~Miss Autumn

posted in (painfully shy) - 13 replies

Being healthy.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 07:23:18 GMT

Being vegetarian is to be health. You may chat and make vegetarian friends and exchange idea with them at
http://hunger4love.bravehost.com/index.html

posted in (painfully shy) - 2 replies

Good online resource

ipcz — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 22:36:31 GMT

There is a good page about social anxiety on www.psychresources.net

posted in (painfully shy) - 2 replies

Fantasy

matt — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 09:57:20 GMT

When I was young somebody predicted that I would say one day: "Whoa, I was pretty quiet for a while there" and start talking. I kind of liked that idea and it stuck with me. Has anybody heard of this happening before? A sudden outpouring of years of things left unsaid. I can picture myself all of a sudden saying: "That's it I can't take it anymore!" and start rambling at first just about being shy and appologizing for how uncomfortable I have made everybody and what an asshole can sometimes appear to be. If I recieved encouragement I would keep it up and hopefully eventually become engaged in conversations and have real life experiences from which to draw on for conversation topics (I'm sure that most people aren't interested in most things that happen to me because they are all very subjective and personal because I am always isolated). I have serious problems in my life but there is not really anything "wrong with me". 99% of my problems stem from social isolation. These problems will eventually kill me if they are not resolved. I know that a lot of people here think that being shy is just part of who they are and that one should not fight one's self. I used to feel this way, but now I don't think that shyness is my true nature. I think that it only developed after several traumatic experiences. Of course some extroverts should really just shut up and it can "better to remain silent and be thought a fool then to speak and to remove all doubt". My taciturn nature has lead some people to call me wise, but I think that the consequences of shyness are too great. In a certain respect I have substituted quality for quantity in my utterances, but I think that I need to bite the bullet and engage in a certain amount of inane chatter to get my foot in the door in social circles. I just want to cry out "I'm here!" and "I'm not quiet because I hate you!". I tend to fade into the background which caused panic responses for a while leading to derealization and depersonalization. I tend to feel invisible. Sometimes people to really try to reach out but they do not usually persist and go back to ignoring me. The cause of this is probably either that I make them feel uncomfortable or that they make the assumtion that I would rather be left alone. While in certain respects I do think that I have an abnormally high amount of empathy, I also tend to see my motivations, interests, and worldview as diverging strongly from the norm. I guess that this need not lead to social isolation. I just need to find ways to express a dissenting view in a tactful and non judgmental manner.

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

People that make me shy

matt — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 07:23:26 GMT

I'm not as shy as I used to be, but I still have a fair amount of trouble. I tend to be the most shy around people that I really like. I guess I just feel like I won't have anything to contribute or I'll say something stupid. People mistake my shyness for being aloof and so people that I like think that I don't like them. I am not really shy around people that I don't like.
In high school this led me to hang around with ignorant, insecure people (i.e. rednecks). I guess they liked me because I wouldn't pipe up when they made stupid comments. So I became a redneck by association (well not exactly I wore tie dye and grew my hair long to try to try to show that I wasn't a bigot). Now I won't hang out with people that I don't like. I'm making a few good friends but having trouble getting a good base. I started going to events where I would find the kind of people that I want to associate with and got over being too self concious about arriving alone.
...On a completely different topic...Do any of the people on this board find that because they don't talk that often, they have trouble finding where to "get into" a conversation. I often end up getting interrupted or interupting other people. Maybe it's just because its so unexpected when I say something. I guess that it would get better with practice.

posted in (painfully shy) - 15 replies

my new favorite tribe!

Anju78 — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 02:04:04 GMT

And so many people here:-) I no longer feel like such a freak!

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

Does anyone else...

Fred — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 01:32:54 GMT

Choke up around people and feel better by themselves?

Has anyone overcome this feeling?

posted in (painfully shy) - 11 replies

an epiphany that might help crack my shell....

Anju78 — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 19:53:17 GMT

It was one of those "duh" moments, but it was a huge realization for me....

One of the reasons I am shy is through self-consciousness about my appearance, about my background. I'm not sure why anymore - but I think that's one of those things where anybody would feel self-conscious if you let it get to you. Well, one thing I hate about being shy is that I feel on the one hand never included, on the fringe, but on the otherhand, more intensely scrutinized the times that I do come to people's attention. And it *amazes* me how quickly people like to categorize you based on next-to-nothing. And I hate nothing worse than being misunderstood, misrepresented. Well I realized that not speaking up "forces" others to over-scruitinize what they can see of me based on my appearance, and what little things I might drop by way of minor conversation, or what mood I might happen to be in, in order to try to understand something about me - since most people are curious like that. First impressions can often be wrong. And taking a teeny snippet of one perons' life on a particular day and painting a broad brushstroke picture of the person usually does not provide an accurate assessment. But that's what people are going to do, every time they see me, unless if I provide something else for them to learn about me. I realized people are going to form a picture of me (and a judgment of me) anyway - and if they're going to do that, I'd much rather they do it based on my personality than my appearance or random snippets of opinions/conversations they catch. I think most people first take in the appearance, then it's modified or changed by what they see of your personality. But for me that second step never happens, and I get more self-conscious as people size me up by my appearance only it seems. ANd I hate feeling out of control about that. I realize you can never control what someone is going to think of you - but at least if I talk, put my opinions out there - I'd rather people like or dislike me for my personality, what I consciously put out there, than just making stereotypical judgements about me based on appearances - or simply to consider me silent and therefore a nobody - in addition to assuming I'm a snob even though I'm just shy....

I realize this might not work for other people, but just thought I'd share in case it gave some food for thought for anyone else:-)

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Ouch. Rejected for my shyness. again

bridget — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 20:26:07 GMT

I'm really shy. I'm even more withdrawn and reclusive when I'm stressed out. I've been really stressed out, anxious, and depressed lately. I run into people when I'm upset and I can barely squeeze out a tight hello and a half smile before I run away. People totally misunderstand this lack of friendliness. I really don't want to talk to people I don't know well when I'm upset, so I guess I give off a bit of a stand-offish vibe. It's really nothing personal or even intentional, but it's so hard for me to explain this to those around me when I feel upset and vurnerable and painfully shy. Usually I can just keep to myself when I need to, but recently I've had to move into a new home. It's kind of hard to hide at home with five housemates, and even when I stay to my room they notice and decide this is unacceptable. I've been needing a lot of support so I've been spending a lot of time at my boyfriend's and having him over about half the time I'm actually at home (I'm at home maybe 4 nights a week, tops). After two months of three of my roomates being bothered by this and not saying anything about it to me, their resentments kind of exploded and they came up to me at once to bitch me out. Once again, I've had a group of people come up to me and say they didn't think I was fitting in and they didn't want me there anymore. Ouch. All that I want to do is hide more, and not dare to meet new people or try new things. I don't know if I should try to find a new home or try to work it out with them. Only one of them was intent on kicking me out of the house and without everyone else's support he kind of backed down. Neither staying or leaving seem like a good option. I've been moving around a lot and the instability is getting to me. I don't have much money so it's hard to find a place I can afford. And I don't want to step out to go through this rejection again. Maybe I'm taking it too personally, like it's totally my fault that they don't like me and aren't treating me fairly. It's just that this has happened before, not with roomates but with a work situation. I'm just not likable and approachable when I'm stressed out, and it seems that I don't really have the power to make my life less stressful without going through a lot of really stressful transitions. The answer would be for me to not be so shy and to communicate my vurnerablities to people I don't know or trust even when I get home after an exhausting day, but I'm so shy that's really hard to do.

posted in (painfully shy) - 10 replies

New Tribe

Lisa — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:48:35 GMT

There is a new tribe all about our mothers. A place to vent or brag about the maternal figure in our lives. It's called "Tell Me About Your Mother" - Check it out. L

posted in (painfully shy) - 4 replies

I hate phones...

lisajgehl — Thu, 26 Aug 2004 15:40:39 GMT

Using a phone is the main problem with my social phobia and I think I've discovered why I hate them. It's good because I could never pick out why but after running a few bad memories in my head with an experience I had today I came to a conclusion.

I call people I know very well, or those that I'm comfortable with. My hubby, my dad, my brother, the occasional business transaction I know will work out the way I want or just calling an automated service.

Then there are times where I MUST call strangers/people I'm not comfortable calling because I'm the student or I'm the customer with my name on the bill. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. Then there is the rare time like today where I don't HAVE to call someone for personal or reasons to do with a bill and it just doesn't work out because the expectations aren't what I expected. When they aren't I want to cry and I hurry off the phone as best I can. I HATE that feeling and I hate not being aggressive about things and letting things slide off my back. It leaves a scar and that's why I have this ongoing bad feeling of calling people or talking to someone that calls me. I just hate being caught off guard and getting the unexpected. :P

That's it, just wanted to rant about my problem. I'm happy to hear any advice or similar stories.

posted in (painfully shy) - 31 replies

peeks in

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:38:46 GMT

I have an awkward question, made even more awkward by my awkward nature, and, well, the question itself.

I do not know how to be sexy.

It eludes me entirely... While giving my S.O. a back rub, a racy scene came on during the movie we were watching, and I became too uncomfortable to continue. The scene did not disturb me, nor did the back rub, but the pairing of the two and the implication that I was being seductive.... I couldn't handle it.

Any tips? Please... this is a serious problem for me. It's gotten to the point that nothing is *going on*.

thanks in advance,

~autumn

posted in (painfully shy) - 27 replies

tips on getting a job

bridget — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 16:50:00 GMT

I'm not just shy, I'm pretty timid. This whole process is grueling, emailing people, trying to network and ask around for opportunites, figuring out what to say, the whole time knowing I'm being evaluated and judged. Frequently I can get through it alright, until I have to interview face to face, then I just close up.

Right now I need to put together a portfolio because someone's interested in getting me to paint images on the glass of the windows of a club in order to advertise upcoming events. It makes me so nervous I don't even want to re read the email and respond to it. Does anyone have any suggestions for getting art jobs? I've done the chalkboards for TJs. I've done some illustrations for books and such. I've done calligraphy for weddings.

I haven't painted windows before. Has anyone painted windows before?

Well anyway half the battle is getting over knowing that this person is going to judge me and my talents and this is going to determine whether I can pay rent or not. I don't do well with being judged. Any suggestions for getting thorough this process?

posted in (painfully shy) - 6 replies

shyness as a result of a dream

vectorstefania — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 16:34:24 GMT

have you ever dreamt of someone, either a close friend or a new aquaintence (or tribe mate), and then felt extremely shy around that person the next time you saw them or spoke to them? If so, how did you deal with it?

posted in (painfully shy) - 7 replies

OCD and the appearence of shyness

... — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 07:02:06 GMT

Just a thought I have sometimes:

I wonder if I'd be looser(more relaxed, off the cuff, confidant, etc) in social situations if the anxiety from my OCD didn't exist. How would it effect the way I behave, or even who I've become?

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Shyness Relapse

Ted — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 02:18:45 GMT

Ugh. I went to a New Year's Eve party last night with a girl I recently started dating. I met her as a "reformed" shy-guy. I had really worked and practiced on social skills and cognitive distortions and all that other crap, particularly over the past 3 months. I thought I had worked through a lot of my shyness until I went to this party with her last night. Its all I could do to stay in the room and not run out onto the balcony (which I did at one point). I know I didn't go in with the right mindset (which usually takes all day to prepare) and it really made my evening one of sheer Hell. We ended up getting in a tiff and I haven't heard from her at all since. Blah.

posted in (painfully shy) - 7 replies

Question-- Shy and Aloof

ajaxtmighty — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 00:37:56 GMT

How many people here have their shyness interpreted as aloof arrogance?

posted in (painfully shy) - 15 replies

herbal treatments for new years party anxiety

call8me8jim — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 00:18:36 GMT

http://anxiouslife.tribe.net/thread/cac00b92-28aa-4fdc-99b7-04a2454b64c7

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

christmas

bridget — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:49:53 GMT

there's something about dinner tables that drive me crazy. It becomes so painfully obvious that I'm not participating, which just makes me feel worse. After dinner I went to my boyfriend's room and cried for an hour.
So I'm a painfully shy performer. How did that happen? Well it seems that the only way I can comfortably relate to people is by dancing with them. I don't know how I figured out how to let my inhibitions go when I dance, but I did. So of course firedancing became the most exciting and rewarding part of my life, since it was a way to break through this shyness. Unfortunately, I hit a rough time in my life, which brought on a lot of depression, and my performing career took a nosedive just as it was really getting good...
so anyway it's christmas and my boyfriend once again got asked to perform without me and I ended up spending the rest of the night hiding in his room and crying. and i just really wanted to relate to someone, because I hang out with these awesome performers all the time and I feel really frustrated and misunderstood.

posted in (painfully shy) - 5 replies

The Root of Shyness?

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 21:44:16 GMT

Is it fear? Were we raised to be fearful of social rejection? Is in something that is coded into our genetics or cultivated as a child?

Is it a lazy lack of courage? Courage to overcome the uncomfortable feelings that take over.

I have tried to confront my shyness and it never seems to get easier. I sweat, blush, stammer...though I KNOW I am smart and funny and interesting.

So, what?

I'm tired of being shy and tired of being alone. Though I enjoy it...I think maybe I've had enough. So how to conquer it without using substances?

And hello...I'm new here.

posted in (painfully shy) - 26 replies

Tounge-tied even online?

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 17:38:08 GMT

Odd question mabe,I'll try to explain.I find it hard sometimes to initiate conversations with other people even though I'm online and it's easier and freeer than" real life".Sometimes it's no issue,but other times,my mind just literly goes blank and I can't think of a single thing to write or ask someone.It's one thing if the other person is easy to communicate with and keeps things flowing.But it gets difficult when you encounter someone whom you can't quite figure out,rarely replies or writes back and you end up feeling ethier like you became too pushy or too flakey.Other times guilty for not writing certain people because you hate repeating yourself.For me the biggest thing is I tend to balk at what I consider intrusive questions and assume others do the same.Some don't and don't understand why I do.I hate giving the impression that I'm indifferent,yet I don't want to "over stay my welcome".Does anyone else relate to some degree and any advice on how to deal with this?

posted in (painfully shy) - 23 replies

New and seeking advice

Becky — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 20:12:14 GMT

Hi im new to this tribe.

Just wondering how anyone deals with being in large groups of people, because i have this christmas thing at work and everyone will be there. Im a bit nervous because im really shy in front of a lot of people, just cant seem to talk and always go red when i do.

Can anyone help me?

posted in (painfully shy) - 11 replies

Why can't I talk to him?

Ashley — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 09:56:25 GMT

Tha first time i met him was in a dream, now I know him in real life. I should leave well enough alone and have given up on talking to him. He would never go for me anyhow. I .....

posted in (painfully shy) - 12 replies

Techniques to overcome shyness?

Mel — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 17:02:47 GMT

Hello all, my husband and I are both plagued with painful shyness. We have moved from a city where we felt very intimidated and excluded even when joining social groups to a friendlier village situation. Everyone seems very friendly but we can't seem to connect with people. We still have extreme shyness though but really want the company of others. Are there any techniques or advice we could use? Thank you very much.

posted in (painfully shy) - 1 reply

The Ultimate Career for Shy Folk

Glenn_B — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 04:13:25 GMT

What do you think?

For me it's this: lighthouse keeper

I've thought it through. A lighthouse keeper can have all the solitude he or she craves, can usually keep a pet for company, and is usually afforded just the right amount of isolation from his neighbors & the general public. In return all that's required is maintenance of the lighthouse & all the due diligence this entails. I'll have to investigate this further...

posted in (painfully shy) - 45 replies

It'll get easier?

Dove — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 15:52:53 GMT

Hi, I'm new here and part of my battle with shyness is trying to do things that draw attention to me. Like posting stuff on the internet, which has been my recent attempt at drawing attention to myself.

I keep trying to do things that counter my shyness because I hope that they'll get easier--but I don't know that they do...at least not as far as dealing with people goes.

Many, many times in my life people have given me the advice that if I get out and meet more people, then I'll get less shy because it gets easier.
And I haven't really noticed that for me it does--or at least not much. I often seem to find that a period with a lot of social activity will leave me socially exhausted for a long time.

Do you find that you get less shy by doing?

posted in (painfully shy) - 18 replies

How do you manage parties?

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 14:33:26 GMT

When you're at a party, how do you manage to stay comfortable?

Do you suddenly become fascinated with plants?

Do you help with the dishes? A lot? Like, for the whole night?

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

Suprising what you can find when your not looking for it...

chalkie — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:35:47 GMT

I was hopping about on the web and found this when i was looking for information on adrenal burnout!!!!

I read this and thought of this tribe :-)

(ebook self-help shyness) Kent Sayre - Unstoppable Confidence.pdf

I am happy to email a copy to anybody interested!!!!

Peace and Calm

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Used to be outgoing..more "normal"

... — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:36:05 GMT

Used to be outgoing..more "normal"..and then something happened as a small child, like my voice was stolen. Alot of my traits I have had all my life, but the shyness is something I cant explain, and I dont know why it started.

posted in (painfully shy) - 10 replies

Where are you from?

amethyst_goddess — Fri, 21 May 2004 00:37:13 GMT

Is anyone here living in Oregon?

posted in (painfully shy) - 97 replies

Grey hair

s-a-n-d-i — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:41:46 GMT

I'm puting myself out here a bit. Since my mid-20's, I've been pulling my grey hair out. Since June, I stopped and its growing in. Its sort of salt 'n' peppery, but with more of a concentration up top and front. I don't have any pics of it.

What are your opinions of grey hair? Especially the men out there. Those of you who have grey hair, how did you feel about getting it?

I guess I'm feeling a little bit insecure about my looks because of it. Even though my women friends say it looks cool.

Thanks. *;}

posted in (painfully shy) - 39 replies

Analysis

abeanstalk — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 15:33:59 GMT

I met a girl, and after a series of adventures in dating, I wrote the poem,

"Love is absolute, cannot be defined
the force that is God
Save, seal and bind

It will make a man cry
make a woman use force
make a child grow old
when it runs it's course"

I still only cry when really bad things happen, or rare joy,
and no lady should use force...

Thanks, Scott

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

Being optimistic

Logan — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 00:57:08 GMT

When I wa syounger, I was shy. I found it fairly easy to overcome. It takes a bunch of time, though. But it can be done. In fact, I heard, "experts" say social phobia is one of the easier ones to overcome.

Logan

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Shy guy looking for a shy girl.

Dan — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 01:30:17 GMT

Hi, I'm new to this group. Are there any shy girls in this group looking for a shy guy? Preferably in the area of Buffalo Grove, Wheeling, or Arlington Heights, IL?

posted in (painfully shy) - 7 replies

Shyness

Mr. — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:40:24 GMT

I'm sure everyone has tried 'self improvement' methods here. I haven't come across any that actually help.

The only thing that I found truly works is desire to detach and acceptance. Once we own our fear then we can transform it.

I mostly use P'taah's transmutation method, I have found that I find myself smiling at total strangers now for no apparent reason. if you are interested here is the full method:

---
P'TAAH: "TRANSMUTATION" Formula

Pain is resistance to feeling, brought about by judgement.
Judgement is the only cause of pain.
To release the pain, you have to nullify the judgement.
(Judgement creates separation from who you really are.)

First, a tip:
Whenever you find yourself feeling bad about whatever is happening,
ask yourself: "What do I believe about this situation?"
Your beliefs are the basis of your perceived reality. Get in
touch with beliefs that may be causing you unpleasant experiences
repeatedly.

The 4-Step Transmutation Formula:

1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility that what you are experiencing/perceiving is
your creation. "I did it". You created it - no one else "did it" to
you. You are not a victim. The Self has created it, so that you can
find the pearl of Wisdom within this experience. To find this
wisdom, notice how you feel about the situation. (You may have
actually co-created it with others - each for their own reasons.)
You must "own" your fear (any/all negative emotions).
You can no change what you do not "own".

2. ALIGN THE JUDGEMENT
Align the judgement about yourself, about the situation, and about
the others involved.When you blame and judge, you are not taking
responsibility for what you are experiencing. Realize, acknowledge,
and "own" the fact that you have a judgement about this experience.
You may even have a judgement about the judgement. Everything that
exists is an expression of Divinity - even your judgement. So, your
judgement is valid. Acknowledge and bless your judgement and bless
the entire situation. Realize that you can only transform in the NOW
moment. (However, by transforming in the now, you do, ironically,
also transform your past and your future.)

3.EMBRACE, ALLOW, ACCEPT, SURRENDER.
As long as you are trying to escape the fear or release it or push
it away, you will simply produce more of the same experiences. You
can only transform what you own in the now moment by your total
embracement. As long as you judge the fear or invalidate it, you
cannot transform it. Embrace, allow, accept, and surrender to the
situation, your judgement, & your feelings. Just as you would
embrace a crying hurting child, embrace the entire experience and
pull it to you, rather than pushing it away. Embrace it into the God-
Light that you are. As you embrace it into the God-Light that you
are, the resistance to feeling (pain) dissolves in the Light. Bless
those people involved in your drama. Be thankful for this
experience, because of the wisdom-potential in it.

4. FEEL THE FEELING. Set aside your thinking and your intellect, and
just let yourself totally FEEL the feeling. Rather than escaping
from the pain, embrace and feel the feeling. (Transmutation does not
occur if you try to escape the pain.) The intellect is useful,
but it is designed to be the servant of the heart. Emotion is your
point of power - it is your "flash point of transformation".

( Here below ==> means "produces", "creates", "causes".)

Judgement ==> Wanting to avoid Feeling ==> Resistance to Feeling
(like "claws" in solar plexus" holding the energies in place) ==>
Feelings immobilized (stuck) in Solar Plexus ==> Pain + separation.
(Pain is resistance to feeling.)

Allowing + Accepting + Surrender ==> Feelings flowing from Solar
Plexus to Heart to Crown Chakra ==> Oneness + non-separation ==>
Ecstacy.

Surrender = to join forces, thereby causing oneness & non-
separation.
Surrender = to acknowledge & accept who you really are. To surrender
into who you really are automatically creates alignment and
balance. "Surrender" here does not mean surrender to others, but to
the real you.
Vulnerability = non-separation.

There is no other cause of pain than judgement. To release the pain,
you have to nullify (align) the judgement. When the judgement is
aligned, the claws of resistance (resistance to feeling), which you
experience as pain, are dissolved into your own Light. This leaves
you with what is now neutral energy in the Solar Plexus, which is
now free to move up to the Heart, and then to the Crown chakra. This
produces oneness and non-separation, which produces ecstacy.

Allowance is not a doing, but a non-doing (surrender). No matter
what it is, if it exists, it is an expression of Divinity ... so
Allow it! Embrace it into your own God-Light!
-----

Another method that I use is similar to Emotional Freedom Technique: http://www.emofree.com , checkout the various shyness case studies they have on the site.

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

Do you ever feel...

dsaxena — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 06:50:31 GMT

lost and lonely and isolated even though you are surrounded by wonderful, beautiful, caring people but just don't know how to really connect? That you are OK with the day-in/day-out interactions with the people at work, organizations/clubs your are involved with, etc, but can't really make any true friends, any real connections? How do you move on from just making superficial connections and break out of the anxiety that holds you back? Drugs (legal or otherwise)? Booze? Meditation? Or is it easier to simply accept your shyness and remain closed-in and cry?

posted in (painfully shy) - 26 replies

Question....

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 01:51:10 GMT

Would you rather be with someone you don't particularly enjoy, but you feel comfortable with or had you rather be alone?

posted in (painfully shy) - 19 replies

i know

unforgvn2001 — Sun, 09 Jan 2005 22:03:41 GMT

your out there talk to me

posted in (painfully shy) - 21 replies

rock & roll camp

Anita — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 21:20:53 GMT

hi,

i'm new here. anyway, i guess you could call me painfully shy, although i just recently accepted that as a fact. befor then i just denied it and thought i was like insane, or something else was just really f***ed up w/ me. i had no friends and couldn't talk to anyone (sometimes not even my parents) and it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for me to socialize.

well, what this has to do w/ the subject is that i've been in this rock and roll camp. at first i was just gonna play the guitar and keyboard, but then our singer quit, and they needed a new singer, so, after a lot of persuasion, i decided to sing. i had no idea how i would get up the courage to even open my mouth in front of a microphone in a room full of complete strangers. but after they started playing the song, i finally forced the song out and it actually sounded pretty good. better than i thought it would, and i actually sounded like i had confidence! it made me so happy! i got like three compliments from different teachers. i guess it was kind of a personal triumph for me, given that two years ago i wasn't even able to sing at home or around my few friends, let alone for strangers. so, i guess that's it. i don't know why i posted this, i don't wanna sound like im bragging or nething, but anyone else have any success stories???

posted in (painfully shy) - 5 replies

Anyone here have trouble making eye contact?

Flying-Wedges — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 02:22:18 GMT

If I do make eye contact, I always glare, especially around attractive women. I don't mean to; it just happens. My shrink says I am probably extremly anxious. My theory is that it is neurological ala Asperger's. This unconmfortable eye contact problem/glaring has created a lot of hostility in the people I talk with, which then creates hostility from me because of their reactions and so on and so forth.

Even if I do manage to smile with my mouth, I can't smile with my eyes. I havn't found any books on the subject. I am wondring if any of you shy people have similar problems?

posted in (painfully shy) - 36 replies

A psychological test

Bo — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 16:41:52 GMT

http://extremehonesty.tribe.net/thread/b46a3fde-6299-47ab-b19c-3f3c11b52862

Post your answers in this thread not the above thread. I want to compare answers from different tribes.

posted in (painfully shy) - 12 replies

Hurt

sonjabegonia — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 08:37:33 GMT

Hi, I haven't posted here before.

I just walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years cheating on me with another girl. I couldn't say anything, and I don't know how to tell him how hurt I am.

I'm too painfully shy.

posted in (painfully shy) - 3 replies

You know i never really thought i was that shy

Tia — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 07:30:25 GMT

until i realised i've been hiding behind personas all this time :)

posted in (painfully shy) - 1 reply

deep seeded belief of unworthiness

reid — Sun, 19 Feb 2006 19:59:00 GMT

hi. i'm so pleased to have found this tribe.
i wanted to post this not only to introduce myself, but to add a few thoughts that came up when i read some of the most recent posts here.
there were so many good thoughts and bravely expressed feelings and they made me grin with a feeling of connection.

i come in and out of shyness which often leaves me feeling isolated and like i've created my own isolation. plus i havn't had much of a dating life in almost 3 years. after muchmuchmuch selfsearching i have discovered a deep seeded belief that i am unworthy of love, respect, attention etc. and this leads me to believing in most social situations that i will of course be rejected. it bothers me because in the end i avoid so many things in order to avoid this inevitable rejection and then i am left living with so many regrets. oh yeah and the envy i have for others who seem to have a way more interesting life. this was such an ingrained thought process that i still don't quite notice it at times. but i believe that eventually i can train myself out of this pattern. i believe that i am the maker of my own reality.

you're all great and don't you forget it!!

posted in (painfully shy) - 14 replies

hello all

Jaime — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 20:52:26 GMT

I just joined this tribe, so wanted to introduce myself. I've been a part of tribe for the past month or so, and usually spend a bit of every day reading posts on various tribes. I usually JUST read because i'm afraid someone will poke fun at what i have to say, or worse totally ignore it...then i'll end up crawling back into my corner with my hand over my mouth! Hopefully you all can help me work on conquering this fear and just be brave enough to show my true self....because i really do think i have some positive ideas to share, and well, i'm worth getting to know <grin>

anyway...hi

posted in (painfully shy) - 10 replies

You know what would compliment DBT? Flower Essences

Tia — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:57:24 GMT

Has anyone ever tried flower essences? I use them myself... it's a dropper bottle of liquid that you put under your tongue or into your water 2 to 4 times a day. It's really good to use on it's own or with other healing techniques like DBT... it's alot more subtle too so you can take it gently.

Pink Monkeyflower

Positive qualities: Emotional openness and honesty; courage to take emotional risks with others
Patterns of Imbalance: Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness; fear of exposure and rejection, hiding essential Self from others, masking one's feelings.

posted in (painfully shy) - 0 replies

Desperate for attention and afraid to get it...

Dove — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 22:00:08 GMT

Everybody wants attention, but people are scary!

Somehow even people who are nice to me frighten me.

But it gets lonely in here...

posted in (painfully shy) - 6 replies

I faced my fears and won!

ruth — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 01:08:23 GMT

Hi all I had severe OCD and depression and social anxiety for 25 years even tried to commit suicide but now I beat most of it and wrote an unconventional book on how I did it. I have two oscar winners praising my book Man, Interrupted including Mel Brooks. I live in Louisiana but my book is only out in Europe until sept. but you can order it at www.amazon.co.uk from america. I hope it might inspire you and email me at joebobmichael13@yahoo.com if you read it. best Jim go toward your anxiety instead of away from it!!

posted in (painfully shy) - 2 replies

Anyone try DBT?

Flying-Wedges — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 21:43:26 GMT

posted in (painfully shy) - 12 replies

Medication?

Snav — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 04:05:08 GMT

Hi,

Ive tried to stay away from medication but my friend has convinced me to give it a try and ive looked around and found one called Zoloft.

After reading up on it and its side effects, I still dont know what its going to do to my brain.

Ive read and heard alot of bad things about anti-depressants and before I go to my doctor (appointment is in 2 weeks) I thought I'd ask around and see if any of you would have advice for me.

I mostly want something to just calm my nervs so that meeting people and being in job interviews wont be so scary for me and once Ive been through enough of that hopefully my confidence will come back and i wont need the medication anymore.

i know it wont be as easy as i just made it sound but if anyone could give some advice that would be really great and if not thats ok

from dave

posted in (painfully shy) - 9 replies

hello

DerUntermensch — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 14:45:16 GMT

hi...just joined the tribe and thought i'd say hi and that my name is andrew......

i am interested in meeting hip cats and kittens (no particular order) that share the same ideas, attitudes , and open-minded thoughts that i have...

hopefully i will make some friends here and help with this shy-thing that bothers me!!!

posted in (painfully shy) - 17 replies

Standing one's ground...

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 23:25:52 GMT

Does anybody here find it easy or difficult to stand one's ground and be brutally honest or say "no" to something you don't agree with?Do you fear angering others or be hit with unbearable self criticism and doubt?Or are you the kind to tell it like it is and not back down?Or somewhere in between?I'm just curious about other peoples reactions and responses here being shy and introverted does that cripple you when it comes down to that or have no effect when pushed too far?

posted in (painfully shy) - 7 replies

am I missing something

Aaron — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 07:50:29 GMT

When I speak to people I lack spontaneity. When people talk of things I have absolutely no idea about I tend to look at them blankly and smile foolishly, which means I come across as being aloof. How does one develop more spontaneity?

How does one hide their shyness behind the bravado of false extraversion, those shy people who when you first meet them seem crazy and loud?

posted in (painfully shy) - 14 replies

shyness and introversion

filigree00 — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 04:43:44 GMT

Just got back from a meeting with my fellow tenants at my new place (neighborhood watch, among other things), and as happy as I was to meet them...the whole thing just tired me out like crazy.

It didn't help that I blurted out I have cats, when no one else has been allowed in the past (which I hadn't realized--I turned red when the owner pointed out *in front of everyone* that I should have kept my mouth shut--nice, eh?)...so then the questions after the meeting, "What do you have?" "How many?" etc. Also I was trying to give my rent check to the manager and people were actually trying to look at it, which I felt was rude and annoying.

Something about being in a group that I have nothing in common with other than where we live, and discussing difficult topics, just totally threw me off my usually calm state. Being the introverted type, I think I automatically unconciously expect people to realize it somehow and treat me accordingly and not be so aggressive toward me. Yikes, not fun!

Anyone have ideas for dealing with unknown groups of people when coming from a standpoint of being a more withdrawn type of person? Don't know how often it will ever come up again, but hey, it can't hurt to be more prepared when it does. :)

posted in (painfully shy) - 5 replies

My heart was pounding!!!!!!

TheBORG — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 01:48:50 GMT

As I waited to get up to leave the table from hanging out with a few people from work at one of the fancy restaurants where I work... I've been interested in the shift manager that works at night.. We've chatted a few times when I'm strolled in to check on things and helped her out several times with a few work related computer problems... I was going to ask her out last time we all got together last month, but I bailed on the last minute due to some medical reasons... One of the guys that I worked with had found out for me that this woman is single... GREAT for me! But ever since my promotion I'm tied to my desk, as a supervisor and don't get out hardly ever to do support calls, so I haven't been able to swing by the restaurant where this woman works... And the guy that that got me her dating status, had asked me earlier if I was going to ask her out...

So, I had to leave because I needed to get home & to bed... 4:00 AM comes pretty fast & hard if I stay up too late. Yes, I need to wake up at 4:00 AM to get to work.. BLAH! It sucks, but is almost over...

SO, with my heart pounding insanely as I was contemplating on leaving. I kept looking at my watch. OK. It was to the point where I needed to get home. I was looking around for this woman and saw her behind the bar by herself... With my heart pounding even harder, I walked up to the bar. She said hi to me. I replied. She asked how I was doing. I answered and asked (NO! SHE'LL SAY NO! JUST GO HOME AND KEEP QUIET!!!!) if she's like to go out sometime....

And she said YES... Now we just need to work out a good day & time to go out, due to our conflicting schedules..

Then as I was walking out, I thought, "FUCK! I didn't get her # or give her mine..." I stood by the door for a second and decided that I'd just email her tomorrow...

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peeks in