I work at a moderately stressful place, with a lot of people, and the kind of situations that can arise are probably fairly typical. Minor power struggles and sniping and that sort of thing. Yesterday something occurred that tried my patience but I did manage, after a little while, to remember to ask myself "Do I want to keep feeling this way, and if not, what do I do to change it?"

And so I tried to think of things along the lines of "life is too short to invest much time in being tweaked about things that are relatively trivial in the long run"

I thought of William James's idea of free will being the ability to choose which thoughts I dwell upon.

That seemed to help.

When these type of situations arise, I'm often confused about if, and to what degree, my reaction is based on some sense of insecurity, or if there really is a bonafide issue at hand, objectively speaking. If I'm having a problem, I should probably be brave enough to bring things to a screeching halt while I do a little reality check, but I'm a bit loath to do that yet.

Instinct has always pushed me into striking back verbally or walking away.Not always wise,especially in adult hood and you live with the guy,someone who took that as being ignored or how dare I question him?Luckily he never hit me,never allowed it to get to that point...threatened to call the police if he didn't leave and that scared him.Never ever let them see you cry is another,I used to totally detach myself as if nothing was happening...which worked in school sometimes.But the most effective lesson I ever learned was bidding my time till the tables turn and stand up for them...I done that with two and that was the last time they ever bothered me.I learned that from when I used to pick on some guy with my friends when I was about 8 or 9...it was that or be in his place..one day he stood up for me over something a teacher pulled...it scared me so badly I never bothered him again,felt horrible.Sometime putting the shoe on the other foot with compassion works wonders.Other times leaving is the only choice,it depends.

I should probably try to widen the scope a little bit.
"Bully" is maybe not the exact term I wanted to use, especially now that I'm a full-fledged adult.

Maybe something more general, like "difficult people" , as in "how to deal with difficult people." Or petit tyrants: people who absolutely must get their own way or else things are horrible. And who are very difficult to communicate with as far as suggesting other ways of doing things.

I agree with some..yes walking away is best..because if you fight back in a school you will get suspended..in a work place maybe fired. Still you still shouldnt put up with crap. I was bullied throught HS, normally these bullies would just drop out and I wont ever see them again. Then it was this one guy..total dumbass..played with fire<refering to myself> then one day i was at the brink...luckily the teacher sent him out..though if he hadnt... OH I would of had stains on my white school shirt can could never come out.

<btw this is way off topic..but I cant seem to get my pic centered..i croped the image..it says "save" i clicked it and it still comes out uneven.>

I've learned to choose my battles very carefully----and if standing up to someone will actually do good in a way the situtation will change then I'd say go for it, if not, then maybe the best thing to do is to not be offended by what ever it is they say or do! I read that once--- today let nothing offend you, and for a day I worked at it and honestly it helped. As they say it's mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.....

"If a bully cannot push someone around, they will be forced to grow out of the insecurity and fear that they seek to unload on others."
------------->

That is a formulation of the ideal response to the bully, and I ask myself, "why can't I do that?"
Therapy is in order, perhaps.

How does one arrive at that point of cool equanimity, that imperturbable point?

I will admit that I do wonder if the ideal expressed in that statement is unrealistic.

I remember when I got a job working at a homeless shelter for adults with chronic mental illnesses - the director told me the first day, "No matter who you are, there is always going to be someone that you're afraid of here." And there was; for some people it was the big guys, for some it was the little old lady who would go into screaming fits at you and begin slapping herself. The point is, to be human, or at least, to be open to human interaction, is to be vulnerable, I think, and that means being open to pain and open to fear as well as joy and love.

Sorry if the above sounds a little preachy, but you can sorta see what I'm trying to explore there...By the way, I like your perspective on fear in that last paragraph, Howler.

I remember hearing about a guy who, right before giving a big speech, would go into the bathroom and wet a couple of towels, wring them mostly dry, and then throw them on the floor as hard as he could. He said that helped him move his energy in a direction, rather than it being sort of scattered and diffused "nervous" energy...

I don't really have a response - just wanted to say 'thanks' all for posting : )

[not particularly relevant but read something recently that caught my attention - about how ANY attention we give to a specific behaviour can encourage it - not so important whether that's positive/negative/whatever]

The hardest thing is for me is to 'put on that mask of indifference' and let it roll off my back,my usual reaction is anger and lashing out which has backfired and makes me feel like I lost.I don't like anyone,male or female to weld that kind of power over me to intimidate.Every bully I've ever known thrived on getting a reaction,any reaction.When they cease getting it,it deflates them.It doesn't happen anymore in my life,but has in various forms through certain people that I've cut ties with.Nothing beats high school,that was the worst,that left alot of scars emotionally that as an adult I feel should be over,yet still sting deeply.